goals n shit nigga

250.

I just did 250 pushups.

Fuck yeah.

I realise now that angst, hate, fear, all those worrying emotions, things that scare you, scare you when you apply those properties to other people or scare you when applied to yourself, they are residual, it carries over. I decided to put on an album i listened to in high school, one of the few metal albums i still listen to from that time (nu-metal was big, limp bizkit was huge at the time), HOLY FUCKING SHIT, all that leftover residual teenage bullshit seemed to just empty itself from my body, it was the workout equivalent of food poisoning-shitting-mince-down-your-leg.

Anyway

This.fucking.album.

sharing is caring

When i was a kid the school motto at my school was sharing is caring. I didnt get it, thought it was some bullshit the principal just made up because he was an unimaginative cunt and it rhymed. Now as an adult, i have finally realised, after 26 years, that what it means is not so straight forward. Alone ? worried ? got bullshit going on ? you think nobody gives a fucking shit ? THEN OPEN THE FUCK UP. Your friends, for all their problems, cannot help you, motivate you, push you, or even be good friends IF YOU DONT FUCKING SHARE. Share your bullshit with them, your fears, why you think you cant make it, what the fucking problem is, LET THEM THE FUCK IN. You will be suprised what can come out of it.

I have never seen myself as a mentally strong person, the slightest thing going wrong makes me want to curl up in blankets and go to sleep so i can avoid it. The only thing that has changed this recently is that i have become a more open and sharing person, the response has been amazing, i feel more alive than ever before and have people behind me pushing me towards goals that all of a sudden feel attainable.

I just finished doing 170 pushups, two weeks ago i couldnt do ONE. I get it now, i understand why people work out, im fast becoming addicted to that feeling of pushing myself, bettering myself each day. I understand now how letting people into my life can help make it better and push me to become a better and more powerful person, both mentally and physically.

FUCK YEAH ! brb going to go punch a shark in the face.

other peoples fucking bullshit

My best friend is developing a drug problem. I love smoking weed with him, sickest cunt ever, lately he has been getting on the pipe. Im not sure what to say, or what to do, i dont want to be an enabler, i dont want to lose a friend. He is self destructing and pushing away those closest to him. I spent three days this week listening to the cunt talk shit. Its bad, he stalks my facebook so that he knows when to call me; i just want to play words with friends.

I cant see things ending well.

*speed/meth

the ring came off my pudding can

Its been a few days since the last update, its 1;45 am. The guy from the job interview did not call. I recently installed the tinder app on my phone, which i guess isnt going that well. I had one girl talk to me, i dont think she was interested, actually her first message made her seem like a cunt. She wasnt even good looking enough to be justifiably cunty. I still jerked off to a photo of her tits hangin out though so i got that going for me. Now dont get me wrong, im not judging her on her looks, even though i am. Im pretty fucking ugly myself, although i do have beautiful eyes and awesome hair. I guess im just mad cause i brushed my hair and got it looking perfect before taking the photo of myself that the cuntish girl looked at. I know right, total cunt.

Anyway, i dont have much to say at this hour. Seriously considering doing some sort of non masturbatory exercise.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand now i want to watch Scrubs

thanks for your time

Well, pretty sure that job interview sucked balls. It went for five minutes and they were already trialling a new guy. So unless the new guy breaks something, dies or shits on the bosses car, i doubt very much they will call me. I feel bad, like i have let down my friends who re-wrote my shitty resume into a fucking masterpiece.

Yeah im fuckin sad n shit.

i aint even mad

Well it finally happened, after trying to avoid my third party exposure to jpop/kpop, i finally accidentally ended up liking it.. well kinda,  i dunno.  I still need to lie to myself to justify it and i will only listen to it while wearing headphones – because should somebody else find out, i have no idea how the fuck i am supposed to look them in the eye and explain this to them.  I dunno, in my mind this is worse than being caught balls deep with one of next doors geese behind the chicken shed.  The pleasure this brings to my ears is unexplainable,  i am kind of ashamed but at the same time i just want the world to know.

While their other songs are better,  this is the one i totally love,  its so catchy,  its brutal as fuck.  I am still telling myself that the guys from metalocalypse would be totally into this,  and that if i worked at NCIS id totally get at least a handy behind the mass spectrometer from ms sciuto if she were to find out i liked this.

Im digging the whole theatrical aspect,  the choreography,  all of it.  I guess regardless of whatever societally unacceptable “thing” i have placed on this as some part of my own uncomfortable self esteem issues / fucked up ego,   the band and song itself is still better than anything metallica has released in the last 15-20 years.

 

If you somehow end up reading this mum, and you watched the video, im pretty sure im not gay.
 

4 hours

4 hours of sleep.  Thats it.  Im fucked.  Oh how i wish i could have a normal sleeping pattern.  It changes every few weeks.  Sometimes i can sleep at night, other times i can only sleep during the day.  Then other weeks i can only sleep 4 hours at a time.   I have nightmares, violent ones.  Often i wake up without the use of my arms,  i dont know what im doing when i sleep but i tell you hwut it fucking hurts when i wake up.

Anyway,  here’s some stonery doomy sludgy goodness.  Hmm i wonder if i have any cereal – i bet there is no milk.

 

 

jungle is massive

 

Fuck my fucking cunt neighbors who have been partying 3-4 nights a week since december.   Cunts have never invited me round for a bong.

 

I dunno, im pretty sure they are dealing,  same cars showing up regularly for random small amounts of time.  I dont really mind that too much,  what pisses me off though is that his fat bitch girlfriend who looks like a younger version of his mum keeps parking her car on my side of the street outside my house, right outside my fucking window.  I can hear them.  ”I love you babe”  ”i love you too”  *kissing noises*.   I guess im just mad cause they dont keep it up long enough for me to jerk off.

Thats enough for tonight,  bbl – whackin it.